Searching: the power of photography to finding oneself

January 20, 2022

"But as the person usually behind the lense, I have a hard time thinking of myself as handsome or beautiful."

I wrote that in the beginning of the year 2021, when I tried to capture me in a way that I actually like the pictures of myself. I was confused. Why was it so hard? I don't feel ugly, and I'm confident. Why do I not feel myself staring back at me, when I look at those self portraits? Why do I not see myself when I look into the mirror? Am I not body positive enough? Am I too different from what I see represented in media?

2016 - the first self portrait in search of... what exactly?

2017 - for a long time the only photo of myself that I liked.

January 2021 - balcony. In the search of beauty. Why was I not able to find a photo that I like? I searched in the german asian community for answers. Was I lacking role models of people that looked like me? But I asked the wrong question.

June 2021 - a simple haircut has changed my perception. The question is: who am I? And how come I suddenly like so many more photos of myself? I take selfies and feel good. On the day of the haircut I urged to take a good picture. And was immediately rewarded with empowerment.

July 2021 - I was trapped in the perception that was forced onto myself. I've realized I am trans. And I go on the journey to set myself free. (Taken by Jane)

October 2021 - I'm feeling better than ever, and self portraits transitioned from a place of confusion and disstress to a place of self love and self care.

November 2021 - First time I've let mself free in front of the camera. Joy. Intimacy. New angles.

January 2022 - Makeup. I keep finding new perspectives. The power of brown mascara on my upper lip and the slow and steady burn of euphoria. (Photos taken by my partner Charly, thank you for your support)